Focusing on Goals

Have you ever walked with purpose into a specific room in your house, only to forget the reason once you got there?  “I just know I came in here for something,” being the common exclamation uttered.  This phenomenon happens to me more often than I’d like to admit.  With the hundred or so things that are going on in my head at any given moment, it is sometimes challenging to fully engage in a certain task for fear of losing sight of the other 99.

Now, take this idea to a macro level.  While forgetting how much you really wanted to grab that magazine from the living room will not necessarily impact your day one way or the other, losing focus of significant goals may have a very real effect on the course of your life.  I recently attended a workshop in which the facilitator spoke about the importance of maintaining focus on goals, and offered two instructions with which to make them more concrete:

1.  To put them in writing, and

2.  To state them in the present.

I had heard the first one many times over the years, but the second one had me intrigued.  Far from the mantra of creating “SMART” (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely) goals, stating my objectives as if I was already living them did not feel right to me.  However, the speaker explained that both our conscious and unconscious mind must to be able to absorb the goal, and the unconscious only understands the present.  Clearly, the research suggests that goals are more attainable if both parts of the brain are involved in the process of achieving them.  So I tried it.  “I enjoy….(insert goal here).” 

The research also suggests that it takes approximately 30 days for the unconscious brain to reprogram itself.  The implications of goal writing on this information is that by writing goals in the present for 30 days, you can actually program your unconscious mind to work toward achieving the goal, regardless of any internal or external barriers or negative self-talk that manifest through your conscious brain.  And by writing the goal down rather than merely restating it to yourself, it increases the level of focus on the specificity of the goal.

I have since discovered that this method has increased my perceived achievability of specific goals, and has drastically reduced negative self-talk and motivational barriers.  I encourage you to try writing goals in this way so that you do not lose sight of them amongst the sea of daily disruptors.

The Importance of Social Media in Showcasing Your Brand and Authenticity

One of the ways to align yourself consistently with your passions and interests is to write them down.  Taking advantage of online social media for this purpose can have many benefits.  First, by blogging and using services such as Twitter and Facebook in ways that reflect your authentic self, you are creating a recognizable brand that others can identify with.  In addition, showcasing yourself in writing takes ideas out of the abstract and makes them concrete, reinforcing them and allowing for later review and reflection.

I was recently asked to speak about the importance of social media, as well as my experience with my own specific sites at an MBA class taught by Dr. Bret Simmons, Assistant Professor of Management at the University of Nevada, Reno.  There were many points that I wanted to make, but some of the most important that I have learned are:

• Show consistency in your work and throughout the sites that you are a member of.  Looking like a completely different person from site to site confuses the reader and makes it seem as though you are not being authentic and true to your values.
• Remember that everyone’s contributions are of value.  Do not be intimidated by or hesitant to communicate with mentors, authors, or other well-known people online.  They had to start somewhere too, and appreciate having conversations with others who have insight and valuable content to offer. 
• Blog about what truly interests you.  People can spot a fake a mile away.  You do not have to have all the answers, but it is not wise to blog about what you think people want to read.  The purpose of blogging and participating in other social media is to showcase yourself and add value about things that are important to you.
• Stay with it!  The importance of participating in social media becomes more apparent the longer you do it.  As I said earlier, it reinforces what is truly important to you, and demonstrates to others that you believe in what you are writing about.  This allows meaningful relationships to develop between you and others who are also contributing valuable content.

Here is the video of me talking to the class, along with a short Q and A period at the end.

 

 

 

True Leadership is Much More than a Title: A Retail Experience

Sometimes I am amazed at the blatant difference between a true leader and someone who just carries the title.  I believe that nowhere is there a more apparent distinction than in the retail industry.  Let me make it clear that I do not believe that effective leadership must unequivocally come from postsecondary education, although it undoubtedly helps.  Learning about servant leadership and organizational behavior can certainly assist in molding and refining leaders to be the best they can be.   I do believe that leadership itself comes from a set of values and care for the employees and customers you serve, which some people have, and some people don’t.

Case-in-point:  I bought my dog a nice, new memory foam bed for Christmas.  I did a lot of research and was absolutely sure of which bed I wanted.  When I got home with it from (insert local chain store’s name here) and had it sitting out for a day or two, I noticed that there was a strange chemical odor coming from the foam.  My dog hadn’t gone near it, and I had not removed the tags.  I was disturbed by the odor and brought it back to the store for return.

I had thrown the receipt away, and told the cashier that an exchange or store credit would be fine with me.  A scowling manager surfaced and interjected saying that, although the product was their merchandise and had their tag on it, there was no way I could have bought it there.  He said he was not “comfortable” returning it because he did not know “what he was going to do with the thing.”  He made several loud sighs and walked into his office and back out twice, stating that he needed to find my transaction on the computer to prove that I actually purchased the item. 

This man made me feel like a thief and a liar, and it was a very uncomfortable experience.  I ended up purchasing an additional bed, leaving with two beds in my arms.  Once I got home, I realized that I don’t want this retailer to have an additional sale from me, so I am going to return the second bed (with the receipt!). 

An authentic leader would have handled the situation much differently.  If the retailer has a no-receipt-no-return policy, that is understandable, but no such policy was mentioned.  An authentic leader could have caused me to walk away with the bed in hand and still have had a pleasant experience.  This manager was obviously not concerned about the ramifications of his actions (causing me to feel hurt and embarrassed, telling others about my experience, my hesitancy to shop there again, and my post you’re reading now). 

Authentic leadership requires so much more than making decisions and delegating tasks.  It is an art of balancing company, customer, and employee needs while creating a positive environment for all involved.

 

Snow Days are Good Days (For Self-Reflection)

I believe most of us fundamentally understand the necessity for periodic self-reflection.  The issue at hand is not the need for it, but the excuses keeping us from actually completing the task.  I have spoken several times about learning to say no to timewasting activities, and developing the prowess to rid ourselves of external excuses that keep us from what matters. 

What better time to sit at home and work on yourself than a snow day?  Here in Reno, with the onset of a large snowstorm, I find myself unwilling to leave the house in order to dart from place to place running errands or completing other tasks that require me to drive in these conditions.  I can now choose how I would like to spend the extra time I have been given by this brutal weather.

Consciously choosing to do something beneficial for myself takes effort and dedication.  It means drowning out the voices telling me to do laundry or watch TV, which, sometimes, is no easy task.  Deciding to do something different takes discipline, but the rewards are worth the struggle (and the more it is done, the easier it becomes).

Everyone should take the time to have their own personal “snow day” in order to do something beneficial for themselves.  Journal, meditate, or perhaps begin one of Pamela Slim or Tina Seelig’s written exercises.  Feeling creative?  Try being a child for the day!  You can also complete my callings visualization exercise.  These are only ideas; the point is to use any excuse you can (such as a snow day) in order to prioritize yourself.

If you see palm trees out your window instead of snow, that’s okay.  Get creative!  Make up a reason why you cannot afford to do anything but work on yourself for a while.  It may be helpful to set a time limit in order to keep from feeling overwhelmed if self-reflection is not standard practice for you.  Tell yourself you will journal for an hour, for example, and then hold yourself to it.  This accomplishment holds value on many levels; first, you will have the benefit of having completed the actual exercise, and second, you  will have the satisfaction and pride of having followed through with a goal.

The Authentic Self vs the Ego

I have recently become interested in dissecting the conflicts between the authentic self and the ego.  I believe that in the quest to become authentic, the distinction between these two parts of ourselves is an important one.  Knowing the motivations behind our decisions can empower us to choose particular paths for the right reasons.  Although our ego and our authentic self are both a part of us, they are very unique, and contribute to our thoughts, behaviors, and value systems in very different ways.  These differences can dramatically impact the direction of our lives, and being conscious of which part of ourselves a thought or behavior is coming from will ensure that we can evaluate them and choose those which come only from our authentic selves.

As I am relatively inexperienced on this topic, albeit very intrigued, I have included a video from expert speaker and evolutionary spirituality teacher Andrew Cohen discussing the disparities between the authentic self and the ego.  I hope to learn more about the distinctions between these two influential forces.

Reevaluating Callings Through Lifelong Learning

This weekend (Thanksgiving weekend) reminded me that I am almost finished with another semester of graduate school, which also marks the halfway point for me in obtaining my MBA.  This is an important milestone, and one that warrants a reevaluation of the reasons behind my decision to further my education and an honest look at where I see myself after graduation next year.

I had been out of school for almost seven years when I decided to get an advanced degree.  I, like so many others, found myself wandering aimlessly with my undergraduate degree, not really knowing what to do.  I am a very good student, and have won many awards and scholarships, but  career success was another story.  I pursued a myriad of jobs, but none of them felt like exactly the right fit.  I am grateful for them all; I learned much about various aspects of business and myself from each of them, but I never felt as though I was truly fulfilled.

I don’t know if it is a naive assumption that the “perfect” job should feel like the last piece of a puzzle fitting just right, but I do feel that we owe it to ourselves to attempt to get as close as we can to this feeling.  To be authentic means to look at a job in its entirety, not just for the “good benefits and holiday pay” in determining if it is right for you.  I believe that is what I have been doing, both consciously and unconsciously, for the last seven years.  Each path has led me to discover the qualities that I want and do not want in a career and in my life in general, and has proven invaluable in my quest to find my callings.

For me, the MBA program has been a part of that journey.  It is not only extremely practical, but has aligned me with professionals in very diverse fields who, even though the industry varies, all utilize aspects of the material I am studying.  It is important to me at this stage not to pigeonhole myself, and to remain open to diverse knowledge.  The MBA program has allowed me to do just that. 

I have learned so much about myself since beginning grad school.  Continuing my education and gaining broad knowledge has brought me closer to discovering what I want out of life.  I am now able to forecast with much more clarity what I will be doing in the forseeable future, a feat I was not able to accomplish before.  About four months ago, as part of a class, I was instructed to complete several exercises from Pamela Slim’s book “Escape From Cubicle Nation:  From Corporate Prisoner to Thriving Entrepreneur.”  One of these was the “My Ideal Life” exercise.  Please see my post on the importance of these types of exercises, and to read mine.  This morning, after reviewing what I originally wrote, I discovered that even in just four months, I have grown so much that I already feel the need to update my paper with more concrete goals.  The effects that continuing education and knowledge have had on me are profound.

As I alluded to in my previous post, these types of exercises are essential to breathing life into aspirations and assisting in the self-discovery process.  And, as I have discovered, they continually need to be reevaluated and updated as we grow and change through knowledge and experience.

Learning to Say “No”

How many times have we agreed to do an activity, take on a task, or otherwise obligated ourselves to something, only to resent ourselves for agreeing?  Why is it so hard to say “no,” and what does that say about our sense of self-worth?

I have a very difficult time saying that word in a multitude of situations.  Because of this inability, I oftentimes find myself bogged down with additional responsibilities that cause added stress and constraints on my time, which was already limited prior to the additional obligation.  I believe that this stems from two reasons, at least in my case:  a desire to feel accomplished, and the desire to please others.

To be truly accomplished, however, the accomplishments need to reflect what I really want out of life.  Tasks that don’t convey a sense of purpose or meaning will not add to anything but my stress level, and although I will have accomplished them, what will it really mean?  Any new activity, organization, or volunteer opportunity I hear about, I usually take.  While I do feel a sense of accomplishment, I am often left exhausted and wondering why I added something else to my list of obligations.  Many people who are driven, over-achievers by nature fall victim to “yes.”  But by saying “no” when the gut reaction is not positive, we will allow ourselves more room for the things that matter.

Reluctantly saying “yes” not only causes resentment, but negatively affects others who may be involved.  Reluctance means that you will not put your heart into the task, and negative thoughts and behaviors associated with the task will be broadcast to others.  It is better to respectfully decline than risk the consequences.  I believe the person doing the asking will respect you more for being honest with them, and more importantly, you will be behaving honestly with yourself.

Negativity Only Makes It Worse

Someone has egged my house three times in the last two weeks.  Literally.  I have tried to figure out what I could have done wrong (Was I loud? Did I give someone a dirty look? Is my trim color ugly?), and after coming up blank, I decided it must be random and I get to be the lucky one.  I have had plenty of time to think about how situations like this can affect my attitude and behavior while scrubbing egg residue off my siding, garage and driveway, and have come to the realization that, if allowed, negative events can have a significant effect on long-term happiness.  Upon the second egging, I think my temperature raised about 50 degrees, and I paced back and forth in front of the house uttering obscenities under my breath.  But that did not make me feel any better.  This is a situation that, unfortunately, is not within my circle of influence.  I wish it was, because then I would have the power to ensure that it did not happen again.  However, I must come to terms with it and not let it get in the way of what is important.

It is easy to make excuses, and much harder to ignore that which cannot be controlled.  I could have blown off my tasks for the day, blaming their lack of completion on “the fact that I had to spend two hours scrubbing egg! Then I had to get cleaned up, and then I was so mad I didn’t want to do anything! It’s those delinquents’ fault!”  Okay, maybe I did say something like that after egging #1, but this is a great example of external blame.  While I did have less time to devote to other activities due to the clean-up involved, it was possible to affirm within my own mind that this situation was not going to negatively impact my day any more than I would let it.  If we allow external forces to have that much control over us, they win.  We must fight back by insisting that our decisions come from internal sources.

The egging example may seem trivial compared to other forces that seem to intrude on life much less subtly, but with strength, proactivity, and behaviors centered around internal drivers, we can keep negativity at bay and not allow it to interfere with our plans, goals, and successes.

Reconnecting With Your Values

In my last post, I explained the differences between internal and external factors as varied influences and barriers to success.  Unfortunately, another setback to living according to external influences is the distance it creates between the person and their true, authentic passions and goals.  Oftentimes, we go through life on autopilot, gaining successes in areas that don’t really matter and never feeling fulfilled.  We forget to live according to our values, or worse yet, forgetting what our values are in the first place.

An exercise in helping to reconnect with callings is to write down your five most important values.  Upon beginning this exercise myself, I was astonished at how difficult is was.  It took looking up the word “values” in many areas online and reading examples of other people’s values before I could even begin to put anything on paper.  This is a sad reality that too many of us face.  Once I began to write, however, the values that I had buried came flooding back, and I easily finished the task.  I urge you to create your own values list, allowing for as much detail as possible.  But that is not the end of the assignment.  The hard part is remembering to live by them everyday, and to make decisions that reflect them.  Here are my most important values with their explanations.  Maybe they will inspire you to pull out the keyboard and write your own.

Diverse Learning and Experiences

I believe that it is vital to learn and experience as much as possible in order to live a full life.  I believe that allowing myself to experience varied culture, music, history, art and travel has created a sense of fulfillment for me, and has served to broaden my knowledge base and decision-making ability.  I really make an effort to keep abreast of various classes and events within our community, and try to go to as many as I can.  I do not judge anything in advance, or exclude it because I don’t think I would be interested.  I also try to keep this perspective in my professional life as well.  I have taken many diverse jobs throughout my professional life.  I do not see this as a negative characteristic, regardless of the number of jobs on my resume.  I feel that we as individuals cannot truly discover our interests and passions until we have experienced different realms of personal and professional activities, and I will continue to explore these throughout my life.

 Creative Expression

It is important to me to be creative in everyday life.  I believe that as we grow older, we forget how to be creative; to solve problems creatively, handle daily tasks creatively, or attempt any creative expression whatsoever.  As a former pre-kindergarten teacher, I enjoyed watching my students complete projects with joy in their hearts, not worrying about what others thought or what the “right” answer was.  I think it is important to attempt to maintain some of that childlike creativity throughout adulthood.  When possible, I seek out opportunities to be creative; I will go paint pottery or pursue a creative home improvement project.  When these options are not possible, I will try to solve lackluster problems in creative ways.

 Animal Advocacy

I strongly believe in acting as a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves.  I have always thought of animals as a source of happiness and inspiration, and as such, I feel the need to give back by helping them in whatever way I can.  I specifically focus on dogs; I volunteer at the Nevada Humane Society and I attend and donate what I can at just about every dog-related event in town.  I am also the author of an animal-related blog in which I inform the public about animal-related issues, including the consequences of purchasing dogs from puppy mills, the importance of spaying and neutering, and other animal welfare issues.  

 Freedom and Autonomy

One of the reasons I am pursuing my MBA is to prepare me to be successfully employed in a leadership role at some point in the future.  Because I value animal advocacy and diverse learning as stated above, the connections and success which will come from a leadership role within a company will expand the scope in which I will be able to pursue these avenues.  For me, being well-rounded and fulfilled means being able to not only work diligently at my chosen profession, but to be fortunate enough to work on other important areas of life; to be diverse in my pursuits.  I believe that by making a good living for myself, I will be able to actively pursue other outlets that I value in order to live a rewarding life.

 Health and Wellness

I also believe that both physical and mental health are key components of living well.  Of course, day-to-day issues often keep people from concentrating on these aspects of their lives, but I try to keep these issues in the forefront of my mind because I value them, even if I don’t practice them diligently.  With the general stressors of adulthood, I find it very important to ensure that I take time each day to do what I can to increase my general well-being.  Taking a long walk with my dog helps me focus and increase my mental clarity, and helps increase my overall happiness level.  Sitting down and having a nice meal instead of grabbing whatever is quick also helps me balance anxiety and stress, and helps me center myself on often frantic, stressful days.  I also try to make time to either journal or blog, so that I can get my thoughts onto paper and analyze them, rather than suppressing them in favor of external stressors and tasks.

Internal v. External Barriers to Success

I recently gave a writing exercise to a group of students in which I asked them three questions:

What are the internal factors that I believe are keeping me from achieving my goals?

What are the external factors that I believe are keeping me from achieving my goals?

How can I turn the external factors into internal factors so that I can control the extent to which they affect me?

The most interesting observation I noticed when they were working on their answers was the brevity of the response to the first question.  This is a very important insight.  It means that the overwhelming majority of them did not place the responsibility for their lack of motivation or drive on themselves; they felt that external forces had a greater impact on their success, or lack of it.

As they were writing, I instructed them not to try to rationalize or logically analyze their thoughts; doing so, I think, would cause them to realize that the “external forces” were merely excuses and blame placed on outside entities in order to protect their feelings.  It is astounding to see in practice how many of our fallacies are blamed on external factors.  This protective mechanism gives us reassurance that it is not “our fault” that we did not reach a goal.  However, it is very damaging, and can leave us in a stuck place forever.

This is where the third question comes into play.  Once the students read their lists of external factors, it became very clear that most of the factors were, in fact, completely changeable with a little effort.  One student wrote, “Money:  If I didn’t have to work so much, I would have the time to devote to pursuing what I really want to do.”  The issue here is time.  I asked her to break down a typical daily schedule on a piece of paper, inserting timeframes for meals, chores, errands, and other activities.  Once she was finished, she discovered that many of these activities were taking much longer than they needed to, and that admittedly, she spent time “zoning out” and watching TV for a while during the evening.  After the analysis, she estimated that she actually had between 2-3 hours per day to devote to her goals that were currently being utilized in unproductive ways. 

The external blame came from fear; the fear that time would be spent without the guarantee of success.  She, like many of us, subconsciously stayed stuck because it felt safe.  But once we confront what we believe are the external forces holding us back, we strip away the paradigms and half-truths, and finally realize that our dreams are within our control.